Opinions on my story for a manga/visual novel?
- Thread starter Yiemorx
- Start date
Blackangel
Well-known member
it's good and i like it.
and it would have been even good, if he got only three powers like that dragon king but all 5 powers are also good. you won't be able to make a sequel to it is all the cursed dragons are gone at the end. are you good with that?
@burnsyceo he plays lots of these games
and it would have been even good, if he got only three powers like that dragon king but all 5 powers are also good. you won't be able to make a sequel to it is all the cursed dragons are gone at the end. are you good with that?
@burnsyceo he plays lots of these games
Blackangel
Well-known member
Yiemorx said:
it's an interesting story and reminds be a little of avatar the last airbender. dragons are always popular and you will get many people interested in this game including me
Welcome to AMF, Yiemorx.
Your story looks interesting. I don't usually read manga or play visual novels...but this might make me read that manga
Your story looks interesting. I don't usually read manga or play visual novels...but this might make me read that manga
Burnsy
V.I.P. Member
First of all welcome to this site, there is an introductions page where I hope to see a thread from you.
Secondly the story, I'm not a fan of it and there's many reasons for it.
The humans and dragons story isn't very original on it's own and just reminds me of fairy tale and the 5 elements thing just reminds me of avatar the last airbender too much.
There is also a very uninteresting antagonist here. You don't mention if the curse is caused by someone, why they're doing it, are you even going to try to find out about it and the curse which just causes you to want to curse others seems like a convenient enemy instead of putting more thought into it.
I do like the back story of yamato, an underdog or a potential failure who through events gains some power and through his strong will can beat those stronger than him.I also like how his dragon is unique...more on that later.
But I really hate everything after you say they get attacked.
I thought you said he lived in a village. And who attacks him? Are the cursed dragons smart enough to form groups? Or Are they being controlled?
Have you established that dragons can speak?
When did this become a worldwide catastrophe?
That whole ancient spell thing should just be deleted and rewritten. It is not good story telling. Nobody should be able to get that much power and just end all the problems right away. Where is the conflict? Where is the relationships with his friends? Where is the excitement? Where is the explanation of how his spell works? Why did he get power over 5 elements if he just needed 1? The story is basically over when it begins. It's like if naruto ended in episode 1 when he learns the shadow clone jutsu and that makes him able to beat anyone. Instead make him get the power of a new previously unknown element (say light or something) and since no one knows how to control it since they have never seen it, he must learn how to use his power from scratch and it could follow his story becoming stronger, learning moves till be beats the dragon king in a fight.
Plus I don't know if you did any world building, how does magic work, what setting it takes place in, because yamoto sounds japanese but the choice of dragons and the world "demhar" make it seem nordic, when it takes place, the political state of things around his village or country stuff like that. I'm a sucker for good world building.
Yiemorx
Active member
Thanks for your great feedback!
First the story is no where close to being finished and what i have shared is nothing more then a 30 minute prototype. there are many issues i know. I just wanted to write something to further base my ideas on. The story would not actually jump that fast. Firstly i am trying to go along the lines of the ying/yang good/evil, if there is to much evil then good will level scale and while 'Eclipse' the king of the cursed dragons is very strong no one has ever seen the real King of dragons. Which in the end will be Yamotos dragon that he cares for. The true king of dragons has the ability to use every element and one extra element that is not spoken about or known to any others because no other human has ever seen the true king of dragons. The special ability possessed by the true king is 'Light'. Light is able to cleanse all curses.
Also there are many spelling issues regarding village / city haha. It is his village that is attacked not city how ever the dragons are causing issues world wide.
Yamoto gains ancient spells in time of need how ever through training he will be able to use these spells at will.
Regarding the dragons talking. The only dragon that can communicate with humans is the true king of the dragons.
I will write a more refined version of the story later tomorrow and share it!
Yiemorx
Active member
No no haha that spell is not going to remove the world problems. Just only in that area and till he learns to control it he wont be able to use it again. But that spell is the beginning of his journey to understanding what his dragon is and why he was the one selected to gain the kings power. Though at this stage he still does not know the dragon he has is the true king of dragons.
Welcome to AMF!
Please take a look at this thread: https://animemangaforum.com/thread-19251-post-128528.html#pid128528
we will be moving to myanimeforum.net shortly.
Your story is impressive.
Please take a look at this thread: https://animemangaforum.com/thread-19251-post-128528.html#pid128528
we will be moving to myanimeforum.net shortly.
Your story is impressive.
Blackangel
Well-known member
Yiemorx said:
i would like it more if it's a manga.
i like reading manga a lot.
hawkeye_mihawk
Well-known member
If game is made on ren'py engine I rather not play it.
Visual novels are getting boring for me.
It suggest making game in RPG type using RPG maker MV or ace.Unity is another option
Visual novels are getting boring for me.
It suggest making game in RPG type using RPG maker MV or ace.Unity is another option
Demon_skeith
Well-known member
It's pretty good, though you want to think of some kind of epic plot twist to really draw people in.