I am going insane!

[Claraviolet]

I know I am posting too much.... But i just can't help it. I wanna talk to my mom like before and interact with the rest of the family. . Just like before... But we are all pretending that I don't get my anxiety and panic attacks and that I don't have any OCD but I still have them!
God knows I have tried so much to get rid of them and I thought I am making some improvement and then I got pushed into something, that i am just not ready for. 
I was back to square one and I have been trying again but no one is giving me any chances. For me, nothing else matters.... I just want my mom happy. I don't even care much about anything else.... I want her to talk to me, be happy. . And that's it. But she is anything but happy and i just don't know what to do. I can't beg people who refuse to give any chances and wouldn't even acknowledge that I am trying my best, to overcome these things.
May be I should take up the next onsite project that i might get. Everything is messed up and I am starting to seriously hate my life. I don't get why everything has to be so complicated. How could you explain people who don't know anything about panic or anxiety attacks about OCD and such?  And they think you are just overreacting and there is nothing there!
I hate to wash my hands at least twice Everytime...I hate myself for not being able to interact with men like other people, I hate that i just can't have outside food freely, I hate myself for not being able to share my food... But i just can't help it! 
Why is it so wrong to ask for time to change myself? Why can't even my parents accept me? 
I really don't know what I am going to do or how I am going to overcome anything... But I want to....I just don't know how and I have talked to doctors before.... This is all seriously getting to me..I just wish...I could disappear.

 

[Blackrose]

@claraviolet I know that it's hard hun and i'm so sorry to see you going through alll this. They should really understand from your point of view and at least you are willing to try. That in itself shows your strength. I'm sure that you can do anything hun. Might take a while and be very hard but you don't have to force yourself to be completely different hun. Maybe just start with trying to have a bit of tolerance. I don't know much about these conditions but if you need to talk as always I'm here for you chick. Don't stress to much..your mom will come around..you are really a remarkable person and you don't need to hate yourself for something that isn't your fault hun
:youarecool: :awesome:

 

[Blackangel]

it must have been difficult for you. if you need a change of place, go on a vacation, alone and you are grown woman. but if you want to change others, you are too childish. no one can change others and if they can't understand, then it's not your fault. whatever you do, don't take bad decisions and ruin your life. you shouldn't beg and no one is worth that much

 

[Claraviolet]

@claraviolet I know that it's hard hun and i'm so sorry to see you going through alll this. They should really understand from your point of view and at least you are willing to try. That in itself shows your strength. I'm sure that you can do anything hun. Might take a while and be very hard but you don't have to force yourself to be completely different hun. Maybe just start with trying to have a bit of tolerance. I don't know much about these conditions but if you need to talk as always I'm here for you chick. Don't stress to much..your mom will come around..you are really a remarkable person and you don't need to hate yourself for something that isn't your fault hun
:youarecool: :awesome:

Thank you.
It's just hard to make people understand and I can no longer pretend anymore. I carry my anxiety pills everywhere and I don't like that a bit.

it must have been difficult for you. if you need a change of place, go on a vacation, alone and you are grown woman. but if you want to change others, you are too childish. no one can change others and if they can't understand, then it's not your fault. whatever you do, don't take bad decisions and ruin your life. you shouldn't beg and no one is worth that much

Thank you but I don't think I can take a vacation and even if I want to, no one would accompany me for sure and I don't like going all alone and I have never done that before....
I don't like asking for anything more than twice.

 

[Elvis]

I have OCD too. What type of OCD do you have (if you don't mind sharing)? Do you have obsessive thoughts and compulsions (rituals)?

 

[Blackrose]

Thank you.
It's just hard to make people understand and I can no longer pretend anymore. I carry my anxiety pills everywhere and I don't like that a bit.
Thank you but I don't think I can take a vacation and even if I want to, no one would accompany me for sure and I don't like going all alone and I have never done that before....
I don't like asking for anything more than twice.

No need for thanks as I keep saying you should not have to pretend anything. ..trust me the whole pretending thing gets old and you need to be you and own it hun. people will always have opinions on everything but it's up to you to choose to let it keep you down or help you rise above them. You are remarkable chick and don't ever forget it You are also a very strong willed person. .don't give up yet hun...I know you can achieve what you want. Just believe in yourself and where you can't I will be there and will always believe in you

 

[Claraviolet]

I have OCD too. What type of OCD do you have (if you don't mind sharing)? Do you have obsessive thoughts and compulsions (rituals)?

I don't really talk about that because no one around me really cares.
It's checking and contamination. Not at a get peak level for checking but I don't like human contact all that much.

No need for thanks as I keep saying you should not have to pretend anything. ..trust me the whole pretending thing gets old and you need to be you and own it hun. people will always have opinions on everything but it's up to you to choose to let it keep you down or help you rise above them. You are remarkable chick and don't ever forget it You are also a very strong willed person. .don't give up yet hun...I know you can achieve what you want. Just believe in yourself and where you can't I will be there and will always believe in you

 

[Blackangel]

Thank you.
It's just hard to make people understand and I can no longer pretend anymore. I carry my anxiety pills everywhere and I don't like that a bit.
Thank you but I don't think I can take a vacation and even if I want to, no one would accompany me for sure and I don't like going all alone and I have never done that before....
I don't like asking for anything more than twice.

you can do it now.
you should start doing new things somewhere and i don't fuking get why you won't even think of going. but it's you and i don't get you most of the time. have you ever thought of sitting your family down and then show them some vids for ocd?

 

[Kaname]

That sounds rough man.
You should probably get some serious help and I don't know how else to support you