It's that time again. Some of you may remember: https://myanimeforum.net/thread-14331.html
Still slightly embarrassed about that one. Don't worry, this thread won't be quite as long as the last one. Probably will be more well put together as well.
First I shall explain the events leading up to my reading KnJ (Kodomo no Jikan) and Nagatoro (Ijiranaide, Nagatoro-san). After that I will explain my experience reading those series and how it made me feel.
Oh, right. I recommend listening to some soft music while reading this, but it doesn't have to be too soft. Preferably nostalgia inducing music. Create a new playlist if you have to.
Still slightly embarrassed about that one. Don't worry, this thread won't be quite as long as the last one. Probably will be more well put together as well.
First I shall explain the events leading up to my reading KnJ (Kodomo no Jikan) and Nagatoro (Ijiranaide, Nagatoro-san). After that I will explain my experience reading those series and how it made me feel.
Oh, right. I recommend listening to some soft music while reading this, but it doesn't have to be too soft. Preferably nostalgia inducing music. Create a new playlist if you have to.
[size=x-large]Introduction[/size][/align]
It all started less than a couple of weeks ago... Actually maybe closer to three weeks......
It all started 2 weeks and 6 days ago (I checked my browsing history). I can't remember what lead me to this decision, but I decided to read a romance manga named "Please Go Home, Akutsu-san!". Just so you know I don't often read (non hentai) manga, but when I do you can bet it's a damn good one. Or at least very interesting.
It's a story about (no spoilers for that series) some guy who lives alone. Some girl ends up in his room and decides to turn it into her personal hang out spot.
It's definitely not a high quality series. The art isn't bad and gets better over time, but the chapters are so short. It's definitely worth reading though.
When I started reading PGHA (Please Go Home, Akutsu-san!), you can bet it pissed me off. The main guy was this pathetic loner simp who let this chick walk all over him.
I kept reading it for the boobage, but eventually I started to notice something. It was... progression. The guy wasn't always a pathetic loner simp, and the girl wasn't always insufferably rude.
I started to get this feeling. Like something pulling on my heart, but I think it was mostly a good feeling. It's hard to remember.
It was this feeling that led me to the dark place.
It all started 2 weeks and 6 days ago (I checked my browsing history). I can't remember what lead me to this decision, but I decided to read a romance manga named "Please Go Home, Akutsu-san!". Just so you know I don't often read (non hentai) manga, but when I do you can bet it's a damn good one. Or at least very interesting.
It's a story about (no spoilers for that series) some guy who lives alone. Some girl ends up in his room and decides to turn it into her personal hang out spot.
It's definitely not a high quality series. The art isn't bad and gets better over time, but the chapters are so short. It's definitely worth reading though.
When I started reading PGHA (Please Go Home, Akutsu-san!), you can bet it pissed me off. The main guy was this pathetic loner simp who let this chick walk all over him.
I kept reading it for the boobage, but eventually I started to notice something. It was... progression. The guy wasn't always a pathetic loner simp, and the girl wasn't always insufferably rude.
I started to get this feeling. Like something pulling on my heart, but I think it was mostly a good feeling. It's hard to remember.
It was this feeling that led me to the dark place.
[size=x-large]Ijiranaide, Nagatoro-san[/size][/align]
Anyway, after I finished reading PGHA, I wanted more. I wanted to read more romance manga. I needed more. Fortunately I didn't have to look far. I build this PC about a few years ago. One of the first few bookmarks that I made was a bookmark to a manga called Ijiranaide, Nagatoro-san. I bookmarked it because it looked promising, but I didn't read it. Figured I'd know when the time comes.
Over the past few months I started to see Nagatoro everywhere, like everyone and everything has suddenly become completely obsessed with it. It even spawned an anime. It was time to read Nagatoro.
In hindsight, I think that the author of PGHA had some inspiration from Nagatoro. So in a way it's like reading PGHA primed me for Nagatoro. I mean there are so many similarities between those two series.
So I started reading Nagatoro. You can bet it pissed me right off. The main character is a pathetic, weak, socially awkward, masochistic, pervert in denial crybaby. I could not even read that series with a straight face.
Nagatoro is a sadistic pervert who gets a horny power trip from teasing weak, vulnerable boys who are older than her.
Well those were my first impressions of the characters at least. At least some of that is definitely true though.
As I continued to read Nagatoro, I started to get that feeling again. This time the feeling was much stronger. My heart was hurting, but why?
(Minor spoilers for this series) I watched as Senpai and Nagatoro (I'll use those names since they are more recognizable) started to get to know each other and progress through their relation. Sigh... talking about this is going to get embarrassing from here onwards, but you gotta do what you gotta do.
It was clear that Senpai and Nagatoro were starting to warm up to each other. Senpai was not only starting to get used to Nagatoro's teasing, but he was also starting to enjoy her company. Nagatoro didn't stop teasing Senpai, but she also started to reveal her compassion and inner personality to him.
I began to see that Senpai wasn't just some weak masochist and Nagatoro wasn't just some lewd sadist. There were aspects of a genuine emotional and romantic bond forming between two people who are starting to care deeply about each other.
I started to recognize that the main dudes in PGHA and Nagatoro are me. To be more accurate, the person I was in highschool shared some key similarities to these characters. The main difference is that reality was more cruel than these fantasies. There was no salvation or comfort for me.
These manga not only serve as a cruel reminder of the unfortunate experiences that I had, but also the innocent and beautiful experiences that I will never get to have.
While most people look to their past with feelings of comfort and accomplishment, the only things I see are anger, hatred, loneliness, self loathing. People share close friendships and connections with each other that originated in their teen years or earlier, but I don't share anything like that with anyone. How am I ever supposed to reconcile these things?
How is someone supposed to live a fulfilled and satisfying life when their entire foundation is pain and loneliness?
So yeah, I suppose this series also made me feel at least a little bit jealous. I don't want a little girl to screw with me until I cry, or get off on relentlessly teasing me. It's the bond they form that makes me jealous. The way they care for each other and the romantic feelings they develop for each other.
[size=xx-small]But to be honest I did feel like Nagatoro was really cute sometimes.[/size]
The feeling in my heart was a smoldering pain. Similar to heartbreak but not as sharp and paralyzing. It was the type of pain that covers the heart and weighs down the entire body.
The weight felt like shackles of regret. Regret even for things that I had no control over. I regretted that my parents were too ignorant to raise me competently. I regretted not being an only child so I wouldn't have to deal with my siblings' bullshit. I regretted my siblings not being better role models for me. I regretted my parents breaking up before I was even half a decade old. I regretted my parents not having more money to provide me with better opportunities. Heck, maybe I even regretted being born in the first place, but I can't remember all of the thoughts I had.
Of course, I also regretted many careless choices I made.
I never had a chance at having a decent first romantic experience as a teenager. I'm 25 now so it's not the same. It's not just a matter of fantasizing a true love romance as an innocent high schooler. There are legitimate differences that make having the first romantic experience in high school more appealing. For example, I dislike drinking and smoking and I'd rather not date someone who does those. Most adults engage in those activities.
Back in my young high school years when I was starting to get to know a nice girl who wanted to come over to my place, my ass half siblings were bringing their jackass friends over all of the time and doing mild drugs in the house. Blasting shitty music as loud as they could and even almost bringing gun violence to the home.
How could a decent person bring a girl over, let alone have any friends with a home life like that? We lived with our mom of course.
Sometimes I think back to when I was 6 years old. Shortly after I came home from visiting family over seas, my dad asked me if I wanted to live with him and my step mother, or if I wanted to live with my mom and siblings. I chose to live with my mom simply because I already was and I figured it would be more fun, since I was already having fun there and I never met my step mom yet.
That's one of my most shameful memories because it makes me believe that maybe I did have a choice, but simply chose wrong. If I had chosen to live with my dad and step mom instead, I would never have had to deal with any of this bullshit. Even if I still had a subpar time in school, I'd most likely be much better off at this point in my life.
In hindsight, it's very likely that the only reason my dad asked me that was to help make his own decision about whether he should fight for custody over me.
[img=350x600]https://wallpapercave.com/wp/wp6234778.png[/img]
Anyway, after I finished reading PGHA, I wanted more. I wanted to read more romance manga. I needed more. Fortunately I didn't have to look far. I build this PC about a few years ago. One of the first few bookmarks that I made was a bookmark to a manga called Ijiranaide, Nagatoro-san. I bookmarked it because it looked promising, but I didn't read it. Figured I'd know when the time comes.
Over the past few months I started to see Nagatoro everywhere, like everyone and everything has suddenly become completely obsessed with it. It even spawned an anime. It was time to read Nagatoro.
In hindsight, I think that the author of PGHA had some inspiration from Nagatoro. So in a way it's like reading PGHA primed me for Nagatoro. I mean there are so many similarities between those two series.
So I started reading Nagatoro. You can bet it pissed me right off. The main character is a pathetic, weak, socially awkward, masochistic, pervert in denial crybaby. I could not even read that series with a straight face.
Nagatoro is a sadistic pervert who gets a horny power trip from teasing weak, vulnerable boys who are older than her.
Well those were my first impressions of the characters at least. At least some of that is definitely true though.
As I continued to read Nagatoro, I started to get that feeling again. This time the feeling was much stronger. My heart was hurting, but why?
(Minor spoilers for this series) I watched as Senpai and Nagatoro (I'll use those names since they are more recognizable) started to get to know each other and progress through their relation. Sigh... talking about this is going to get embarrassing from here onwards, but you gotta do what you gotta do.
It was clear that Senpai and Nagatoro were starting to warm up to each other. Senpai was not only starting to get used to Nagatoro's teasing, but he was also starting to enjoy her company. Nagatoro didn't stop teasing Senpai, but she also started to reveal her compassion and inner personality to him.
I began to see that Senpai wasn't just some weak masochist and Nagatoro wasn't just some lewd sadist. There were aspects of a genuine emotional and romantic bond forming between two people who are starting to care deeply about each other.
I started to recognize that the main dudes in PGHA and Nagatoro are me. To be more accurate, the person I was in highschool shared some key similarities to these characters. The main difference is that reality was more cruel than these fantasies. There was no salvation or comfort for me.
These manga not only serve as a cruel reminder of the unfortunate experiences that I had, but also the innocent and beautiful experiences that I will never get to have.
While most people look to their past with feelings of comfort and accomplishment, the only things I see are anger, hatred, loneliness, self loathing. People share close friendships and connections with each other that originated in their teen years or earlier, but I don't share anything like that with anyone. How am I ever supposed to reconcile these things?
How is someone supposed to live a fulfilled and satisfying life when their entire foundation is pain and loneliness?
So yeah, I suppose this series also made me feel at least a little bit jealous. I don't want a little girl to screw with me until I cry, or get off on relentlessly teasing me. It's the bond they form that makes me jealous. The way they care for each other and the romantic feelings they develop for each other.
[size=xx-small]But to be honest I did feel like Nagatoro was really cute sometimes.[/size]
The feeling in my heart was a smoldering pain. Similar to heartbreak but not as sharp and paralyzing. It was the type of pain that covers the heart and weighs down the entire body.
The weight felt like shackles of regret. Regret even for things that I had no control over. I regretted that my parents were too ignorant to raise me competently. I regretted not being an only child so I wouldn't have to deal with my siblings' bullshit. I regretted my siblings not being better role models for me. I regretted my parents breaking up before I was even half a decade old. I regretted my parents not having more money to provide me with better opportunities. Heck, maybe I even regretted being born in the first place, but I can't remember all of the thoughts I had.
Of course, I also regretted many careless choices I made.
I never had a chance at having a decent first romantic experience as a teenager. I'm 25 now so it's not the same. It's not just a matter of fantasizing a true love romance as an innocent high schooler. There are legitimate differences that make having the first romantic experience in high school more appealing. For example, I dislike drinking and smoking and I'd rather not date someone who does those. Most adults engage in those activities.
Back in my young high school years when I was starting to get to know a nice girl who wanted to come over to my place, my ass half siblings were bringing their jackass friends over all of the time and doing mild drugs in the house. Blasting shitty music as loud as they could and even almost bringing gun violence to the home.
How could a decent person bring a girl over, let alone have any friends with a home life like that? We lived with our mom of course.
Sometimes I think back to when I was 6 years old. Shortly after I came home from visiting family over seas, my dad asked me if I wanted to live with him and my step mother, or if I wanted to live with my mom and siblings. I chose to live with my mom simply because I already was and I figured it would be more fun, since I was already having fun there and I never met my step mom yet.
That's one of my most shameful memories because it makes me believe that maybe I did have a choice, but simply chose wrong. If I had chosen to live with my dad and step mom instead, I would never have had to deal with any of this bullshit. Even if I still had a subpar time in school, I'd most likely be much better off at this point in my life.
In hindsight, it's very likely that the only reason my dad asked me that was to help make his own decision about whether he should fight for custody over me.
[img=350x600]https://wallpapercave.com/wp/wp6234778.png[/img]
[size=x-large]Intermission[/size][/align]
Well, maybe that's about all I have to say about Nagatoro. Fortunately, the heartache was slowly subsiding as I was closing in on the last published chapter at the time.
It's actually not the first time I've experienced strong emotional feelings after or during the engagement of a series. When I was younger I would often get a similar feeling after finishing a good series.
When I was around 15 years old I watched the OG Teen Titans cartoon online. The ending destroyed me for weeks. I couldn't believe they just ended it like that. Damnit!!!
Angel Beats almost made me cry. Same with Code Geass.
I believe it's because at the time, I didn't have anything going on in my life aside from watching anime. That made me have a stronger emotional connection to them.
Nagatoro was different because the feeling wasn't necessarily about the series itself, but how I felt in relation to my own life. Also I have some more stuff going on now.
Anyway, after I finished reading Nagatoro I needed more. There was still a significant amount of heartache remaining that I wanted to get rid of. I assumed that reading another romance manga would help as long as I couldn't relate it to my personal history.
I opened some romance manga that seemed interesting. One in particular was:
Well, maybe that's about all I have to say about Nagatoro. Fortunately, the heartache was slowly subsiding as I was closing in on the last published chapter at the time.
It's actually not the first time I've experienced strong emotional feelings after or during the engagement of a series. When I was younger I would often get a similar feeling after finishing a good series.
When I was around 15 years old I watched the OG Teen Titans cartoon online. The ending destroyed me for weeks. I couldn't believe they just ended it like that. Damnit!!!
Angel Beats almost made me cry. Same with Code Geass.
I believe it's because at the time, I didn't have anything going on in my life aside from watching anime. That made me have a stronger emotional connection to them.
Nagatoro was different because the feeling wasn't necessarily about the series itself, but how I felt in relation to my own life. Also I have some more stuff going on now.
Anyway, after I finished reading Nagatoro I needed more. There was still a significant amount of heartache remaining that I wanted to get rid of. I assumed that reading another romance manga would help as long as I couldn't relate it to my personal history.
I opened some romance manga that seemed interesting. One in particular was:
[size=x-large]Kodomo no Jikan[/size][/align]
Yes yes, if you're even vaguely aware of this series you might be aware of some stigma around it; because the story contains elementary aged students doing and saying sexual things.
There was an anime adaptation way back that was cancelled for some reason. I watched it when I was younger because I was horny.
The reason why I considered reading the manga is because it was a series that I was already slightly familiar with (again, due to watching the anime before). It's been such a long time since seeing the anime that I didn't remember much about the story at all (I remembered the gist of the plot though). Yes, I also remembered the nature of the ecchi stuff.
I figured I'd just check a few chapters out to see if the manga was dirtier than the anime. Didn't plan on taking it seriously.
After reading KnJ.... This is a massively underrated series. EVERYONE should read this. It's fantastic and I give it a 10/10 MASTERPIECE (I gave Nagatoro 9/10). The anime kinda butchered it (I checked out a few episodes of the anime after finishing the manga to do a small comparison).
The writer is an absolute genius. The way that psychology and morality are weaved through the story is magnificent. The visual representations for psychological trauma and emotional sentiment are also magnificent.
The characters fit perfectly into the story and are all bursting with unique and diverse personalities.
The character development is absolutely incredible. Because a lot of the main characters are elementary school students, we are able to see character development physically, mentally, emotionally, ETC.
It makes an excellent representation for the passage of time which is a key theme in the story. We see this in the development of the younger characters, and that makes it easier for us to see it in the older characters as well.
This type of character development, and the constant attention that the series gives towards the passage of time is probably the thing that hits me the hardest in this series. It makes me reflect on my own life. Not the same type of reflection that I had with Nagatoro. It makes me think about different stages of my life and how those stages impacted my growth as a human.
Delving into the psychological trauma that the characters experience in relation to romance, childhood, and personal development was just what I needed to help me think about my own trauma in comprehensive ways.
Thinking about the three manga I am talking about in this thread, it's like I read them in perfect order completely by accident. PGHA primed me for Nagatoro. Nagatoro exposed my trauma, and KnJ helped me understand my trauma. It's so perfect.
Anyway, the passage of time theme also makes me think about the future. More specifically, my future. When I think about the far future I realize that my entire present sense of security, and everything that I know will be completely destroyed. I won't have my parents, I won't live in this home, I may not even live in this province or nation. I genuinely believe that's the way things will likely be for me, yet right now I don't even know what I want out of life. I don't know where I belong or if there's even a place for me.
I often think about all of the things that I like, and I try to think about the things that I might like but just haven't discovered them yet. I think about my desires and ambitions. The things that I absolutely want to do and achieve in life, yet I still have no idea where I belong.
Just to be clear, when I talk about a place I belong I'm talking about stuff like the thing that will define my life, or the place where I want to spend the rest of my life (or at least a large portion of it), or the thing(s) that I want to dedicate my life towards.
I do have ambitions, but most of my ambitions will simply lead towards completing the following ambition. Even if I achieve my final ambition, I can't even imagine what my life would be like after that. That's not something that gives me an idea of where I belong.
[img=500x900]https://official-complete-1.granpulse.us/manga/Kodomo-No-Jikan/0008-002.png[/img]
Yes yes, if you're even vaguely aware of this series you might be aware of some stigma around it; because the story contains elementary aged students doing and saying sexual things.
There was an anime adaptation way back that was cancelled for some reason. I watched it when I was younger because I was horny.
The reason why I considered reading the manga is because it was a series that I was already slightly familiar with (again, due to watching the anime before). It's been such a long time since seeing the anime that I didn't remember much about the story at all (I remembered the gist of the plot though). Yes, I also remembered the nature of the ecchi stuff.
I figured I'd just check a few chapters out to see if the manga was dirtier than the anime. Didn't plan on taking it seriously.
After reading KnJ.... This is a massively underrated series. EVERYONE should read this. It's fantastic and I give it a 10/10 MASTERPIECE (I gave Nagatoro 9/10). The anime kinda butchered it (I checked out a few episodes of the anime after finishing the manga to do a small comparison).
The writer is an absolute genius. The way that psychology and morality are weaved through the story is magnificent. The visual representations for psychological trauma and emotional sentiment are also magnificent.
The characters fit perfectly into the story and are all bursting with unique and diverse personalities.
The character development is absolutely incredible. Because a lot of the main characters are elementary school students, we are able to see character development physically, mentally, emotionally, ETC.
It makes an excellent representation for the passage of time which is a key theme in the story. We see this in the development of the younger characters, and that makes it easier for us to see it in the older characters as well.
This type of character development, and the constant attention that the series gives towards the passage of time is probably the thing that hits me the hardest in this series. It makes me reflect on my own life. Not the same type of reflection that I had with Nagatoro. It makes me think about different stages of my life and how those stages impacted my growth as a human.
Delving into the psychological trauma that the characters experience in relation to romance, childhood, and personal development was just what I needed to help me think about my own trauma in comprehensive ways.
Thinking about the three manga I am talking about in this thread, it's like I read them in perfect order completely by accident. PGHA primed me for Nagatoro. Nagatoro exposed my trauma, and KnJ helped me understand my trauma. It's so perfect.
Anyway, the passage of time theme also makes me think about the future. More specifically, my future. When I think about the far future I realize that my entire present sense of security, and everything that I know will be completely destroyed. I won't have my parents, I won't live in this home, I may not even live in this province or nation. I genuinely believe that's the way things will likely be for me, yet right now I don't even know what I want out of life. I don't know where I belong or if there's even a place for me.
I often think about all of the things that I like, and I try to think about the things that I might like but just haven't discovered them yet. I think about my desires and ambitions. The things that I absolutely want to do and achieve in life, yet I still have no idea where I belong.
Just to be clear, when I talk about a place I belong I'm talking about stuff like the thing that will define my life, or the place where I want to spend the rest of my life (or at least a large portion of it), or the thing(s) that I want to dedicate my life towards.
I do have ambitions, but most of my ambitions will simply lead towards completing the following ambition. Even if I achieve my final ambition, I can't even imagine what my life would be like after that. That's not something that gives me an idea of where I belong.
[img=500x900]https://official-complete-1.granpulse.us/manga/Kodomo-No-Jikan/0008-002.png[/img]
